The Complete and Unabridged
History of Asgard
as told by Thor
Greetings Mortals!
Yes, you are right to tremble before my awesome might. But you need not on this day, for today I am but a humble messenger come to deliver a tale so fantastic that you human mind will probably melt at the end of its telling.
This is the history of Asgard
Long ago, there existed two kingdoms. One named Ashland United Methodist Youth Fellowship, and another named Virginia Wingard United Methodist Youth Fellowship. The kingdoms decided to combine forces, so as to become a larger force as opposed to two smaller ones. It is much wiser to have a large combined force. Female snow leopards stalk smaller groups.
Once eternally joined forever in spirit, the kingdoms also combined names. However, Ashland/Virginia Wingard United Methodist Youth Fellowship is long and unfearsome, and did not fit well on t-shirts. So thenceforth, this new united kingdom would be called Asgard.
All who dwell in Asgard are called Wolverines. Some say this is due to their ferocity and fighting prowess. Others claim the name comes from the notoriously poor hygiene of their leader, Hunter. Still others ponder whether the name is a tribute to the late Patrick Swayze (Red Dawn, 1984).
No man can say for sure, for whenever the word "wolverines" is uttered, a shrill cry follows soon after. Then everyone gets caught up in the moment and no one remembers to ask.
The Wolverines exist for eight and one half reasons:
- To fulfill the most important thing: Love God. Love Others. Love Self.
- To create an environment in which everyone feels oriented, safe, and valued.
- To pursue truth.
- To ask questions.
- To propagate awkward eye contact.
- To safeguard against a pantheon of nemeses. (Including, The Atlantic Ocean, Santa Clause, Greenland, Metallica, Scar from Lion King, all things Jimmy Carson, and anyone else we come across.)
- To perfect the Tiger Uppercut.
- To acquire that life giving essence that is Sonic Milkshakes.
- And finally and most importantly, to-